I’ve already blogged at least once about how I turned thirty back in the fall, but I haven’t really talked about how I feel about that. There was a period in my mid-twenties where my birthdays were weirdly upsetting, when I felt like my life was completely passing me by and I hadn’t done much of anything I was proud of or made Real Progress in anything that mattered. And maybe it’s a facet of age–ha!–or of understanding those feelings of inadequacy a little better or of understanding myself a little better, but my thirtieth birthday wasn’t fraught with any of the angst or uncertainty or sadness that women are supposed to feel upon leaving their twenties behind them.
If anything, it was pretty freaking joyous.
I turned twenty two months before the start of 2010, which means the last decade spanned nearly the whole of my twenties. I’ve had a bunch of good things come my way in that time and a bunch of things to celebrate, but I’ve dealt with a lot of struggle and self-doubt and uncertainty too. I’ve taken steps forward and steps backward, re-internalized lessons I thought I’d learned, and let go of a few old beliefs about myself and the world and what my place in it is that were no longer serving me.
And because it’s far, far too easy to believe that you’re somehow failing if your twenties don’t look like the kind of carefree, exciting adventure that you so often see in the media, I want to share some of the harder, more difficult things that I learned throughout mine. In no particular order, here are thirty lessons I learned before I turned thirty:
1. Nobody is the universal expert on anything.
2. There are two sides to every story and way more than two sides to every issue, and the first side you hear may not contain the whole truth, no matter how logical it sounds.
3. There is nothing shameful about going (back) to therapy or getting (back) on medication. There is nothing shameful about starting therapy or going on medication if you’ve never done either before.
4. Not everyone will “get” you, and that’s okay.
5. It’s important to set boundaries when you first realize that you need them, and not when they’ve been repeatedly breached.
6. No romantic relationship is perfect or without problems, regardless of how it looks for the outside.
7. Getting fired or having to leave a job under less than ideal circumstances does not mean the end of the line for your career.
8. Any relationship that you have to “earn” your place in by meeting some ridiculous/excessive/demanding/prejudiced/impossible set of criteria isn’t a relationship worth maintaining.
9. You can’t fix someone who can’t or won’t fix themselves.
10. It’s not your responsibility to fix anyone.
11. If you think someone you love is making an unhealthy, unsafe, or just plain wrong decision, tell them as politely and plainly as possible. Just don’t necessarily expect them to listen.
12. Hurting someone without realizing it doesn’t negate the fact that you hurt them in the first place.
13. Knowing how to give a good apology will save a lot of your relationships. A good apology is not “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.”
14. Correcting someone who’s letting their prejudice show is uncomfortable, but nowhere near as uncomfortable as keeping your mouth shut.
15. Doing whatever good you can in whatever ways you can is always going to be better than doing nothing at all because you think nothing will change.
16. Sometimes surviving is the only thing you’re capable of, and that’s okay.
17. Being able to have unpleasant, painful conversations in the name of solving problems without attacking whoever you’re conversing with is the difference between actually being an adult and just acting like one.
18. It’s much easier to own up to your problems and figure out how to manage or minimize them than it is to ignore them or run from them.
19. Spending less time on social media and less time comparing yourself to the people around you is almost always a guaranteed stress-reducer.
20. Make as much space in your life as you can for the things that you truly enjoy and that bring you true happiness. Never let anyone make you feel guilty for prioritizing whatever those things happen to be.
21. It is way less embarrassing to admit you don’t know about something and let others educate you if they want to then to pretend you understand and have your ignorance discovered later on.
22. That said, in issues of class, race, sexuality, and gender inequality, it is your responsibility to educate yourself as best you can.
23. Say yes to opportunities that interest you, because you never know which ones will further your career, lead to new passions, or add some other value to your life.
24. You can only use your personal hang-ups, issues, or character flaws as an excuse for your bad behavior for so long before others will stop giving you a pass for them.
25. Privilege has a much bigger impact on the world than you realize, and you probably have more than you think.
26. Many of the people around you probably have less privilege than you think, and it’s your responsibility to keep that in mind and account for it whenever possible, and not their responsibility to constantly remind you.
27. Almost every societal system you rely on and/or use without thinking was built on the back of fundamental inequality or incredible sacrifice.
28. Sometimes it’s for the best if you don’t get everything you want when you want it.
29. The sooner you can get comfortable with telling others how you feel and what you want and what you need from them, the happier you will be. No matter how much they love you, your family, friends, and romantic partners aren’t capable of reading your mind.
30. Time is passing more quickly than you realize. Don’t waste any more of yours than you have to on things that don’t matter.
What are the most important lessons you’ve learned in the last ten years? Leave me a comment and let me know!